I want to preface this article with the fact that one: I would never do anything to harm myself and two: I want to always be open and honest with you all (or you one reader, aka myself) through my feelings and how I am processing because maybe we are all just sitting around feeling the same thing?

And if we aren’t, then I am just severely mentally ill.

Today has not been a good day. I have been not feeling physically and mentally well, trying to prepare for my upcoming move, meanwhile trying to manage a new relationship/situationship (Tales of The Beard coming soon) and just feeling all around lousy in every aspect of my life.

So anyways, I got invited to go out with some coworkers to a reception party and cocktail hour. The Beard was not responding to my messages and had ignored my phone call, so fuck it, I’ll go out.

I started to pregame while I got ready and maybe took a few too many ‘crazy candies’. But things started to feel very weird and uncomfortable. For starters, my coworker I was riding with was somewhat irritated that I did not feel up to totally par? Then when we stopped at this little gas station in a very questionable part of town, I swear I saw someone do a LINE of something on the hood of a car.

All I knew is that I wanted to go home.

We then went to a local brewery and there was a man there that was friends of one of our coworkers. He was a local pastor and gave a very in depth table sermon about man serving his mother? Do not ask anymore on this, I was so bewildered that I still cannot tell if it was real or not.

All I knew is that I wanted to go home. So at our next bar, I called myself and Uber so I could go home and call The Beard.

Except the call did not go well. Actually, it ended quite poorly. It seems that me wanting to talk to him earlier (when he ignored my call) was not the “right time” to talk. However, calling him when I got home was not the “right time” either. The exact time I could speak with him was precisely “three hours ago”, and we could have talked for the entire three hours.

This seems so bizarre to me. Or maybe it’s me? I’m the problem.

Anyways, that’s how the whole last two weeks have been and felt like. Sometimes the stress of figuring life out while also still performing the basic functions of an adult (work, chores, socialization, etc) just becomes so overwhelming and suddenly I am doing nothing right in all aspects of my life.

Or maybe it is really me? I’m the problem.

And boy is that feeling suffocating.

So suffocating that sometimes I wonder, what would it be like to die? Would a warm blanket of darkness fall over you and suddenly everything is peaceful and your thoughts aren’t so loud? The disappointment of your new boyfriend, your family, your coworkers and friends and clients is suddenly minuscule and faded into the blackness. No more pain or headaches or feeling unwell.

Is this how a major depressive episode starts? I am prone to those. Depression and anxiety. It’s a real treat at times and when I am going through a stress period as of now, they certainly flare up.

Don’t worry, I am heavily medicated and am just journaling this to maybe normalize speaking about mental health, especially in our late twenties.

I understand where my unhealthy coping mechanisms come from and am slowly starting to realize my toxic traits in a relationship, but in times like these, I lose all sense of coping and processing. Tiny situations such as an ignored phone call or change of tone can send me into a spiral. I sometimes can’t get a grip on house chores and work tasks and showering.

But this only happens occasionally, during times of stress. Which lately has been more frequent than not.

We’ll never know what it’s truly like to die… until it’s our time.

We’ll never know what it’s truly like to die, will we, until it’s our time. And that is out of our hands. I’m not sure if you’re religious or spiritual. I believe in some form of higher power or second life, but part of me finds peace in knowing that there’s a small chance it might just be restful darkness.

I’m tired and my eyes hurt. Thanks for riding along with me and I’ll be better tomorrow.

Tata for now turds,

❤ Double D